If I fell asleep right this minute, then I could sleep for 38 minutes before having to get up to leave for the airport...somehow my nerves and procrastination always pair up when it's time for me to leave home, and really get the best of me. And so the culmination is always (quite predictably) a marathon of frantic packing and finishing up of to-do lists, a late night walmart run (gotta love 24-hour walmart!!) and then a big mug off coffee to fight of the all-nighter. You'd think at some point, I'd want to change this sick pattern- but really, why fix a working system? Plus, I think somehow, that frantic feeling that maybe I'm forgetting something- that temporary OCD that kicks in when I pack- it seems to ease the underlying nerves associated with venturing into something unknown.
In less than 12 hours I will be in a Central American country and will be starting something very exciting and new. I am brimming with excitement! I've never felt so empowered and so capable of making a difference. And yet I find this nagging fear and anxiety somehow coexisting and sharing space with my joy.
I was reading a book a couple weeks ago in which the author said that we don't fear that we're inadequate, rather we fear because we know that we are capable of everything- we are fearful because we are powerful. At first I kind of dismissed this thought, because it just seemed wrong. If I know how capable I am, if I truly think I have no limitations- If I truly feel empowered- then I have NOTHING to fear. That was my initial thought. Until I realized that the author is completely correct. We are fully capable, fully empowered individuals. But we also are completely fallible. Just as easy as it is to build up, to create, to improve so it is to deconstuct, to destroy, to worsen. And so when we desire to do good, even with the best intentions we can fail- we can make things worse, we can fail to progress. That's my biggest fear with Nicaragua. Whenever I was/am asked what I want to do when I grow up I responded/respond, "I want to help people" or "I want to change the world". And for the first time I'm in a position where I can make a difference to a lot of people through use of my interest in and knowledge of business. Through the application of the knowledge that I have attained. And I'm brimming with joy because I can't stop thinking about just how cool that is. But the fear that creeps in comes from something inside me that says maybe I'm underqualified. Maybe I don't know enough about business plan writing, maybe I don't know enough about how an organization functions, maybe I don't know enough about the world--or perhaps the worst thought of all; maybe I know enough, but I'll fail anyhow- maybe I'll let people down despite my best efforts. Maybe my best won't be good enough. Or maybe it will.
What I do know, is that one thing you can count on is that I will give it my absolute best effort. And if I find I'm not being successful, then I will change everything I can to make sure to do my best. I think that even if I fall flat on my face, I'm going to learn so much from this experience that it's going to be completely worth it. I'm going to utilize business skills and knowledge- and I'm going to learn about a new culture and a new place. And I'm thinking I'm probably even going to learn a thing or two about myself. But first, I'm going to close my eyes for 9 minutes until its time to get ready for the airport!
<3 Rachel
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