Since being in Nicaragua I’ve been in this constant bipolar mood. There’s so much beauty here in the people and in the land, but the poverty and suffering has been so overwhelming that it’s been hard to breathe easy. Every time I have started to feel peaceful I then start to feel guilty and go through this cycle of feeling like I can make a difference, and feeling helpless. Coming here, I expected a lot from myself, and everyone here also expects a lot from me. But I’ve had this sentiment of feeling like a fraud- for one thing they keep calling me “the marketing expert”- which is a scary title- they kind of put me on this pedestal and are constantly making comments how I’m going to use American methods to save the home and turn everything around. I am American, but that doesn’t make me a super hero, and I wish people would realize that being from the United States doesn’t mean my life is perfect, and it doesn’t mean I have all the answers. I want to change everything that’s bad here- I want to save all of Nicaragua and the world from the suffering and living conditions that they have to put up with and overcome- but the world’s too big and I’m too small. Sometimes I sit for a couple of hours at night thinking about what I could possibly do to make things good here- I wonder if I can write the US government when I get home, I wonder if I can obtain significant donations from businesses and churches and other organizations. I wonder if money is enough to solve the problems, but I know it’s not. There are huge infrastructure problems that I don’t have enough knowledge to address. So that’s basically where I’ve been at since I arrived here. I love it here, but I hate the injustices that exist here too. There are a lot of problems to be fixed and I feel very over my head.
But today brought me so much peace that I am completely filled and renewed with optimism. We were driving back from a t-shirt factory which donated 400 t-shirts to the home. (snaps for wonderful charitable people and businesses) I was in the back seat sitting silently and just thinking. I looked out the window up at the sky, and what did I see? I saw literally the most vivid rainbow I’ve ever seen in my life. (which was interesting because there was no rain or rainclouds today- I thought there had to be rain for a rainbow to happen- but there doesn’t!) I’ve never ever seen such brilliant colors- it was incredible, and I wish I had my camera. And the best thing about this, was my head instantly went to a God place. I recalled the Noah story- God’s creation was so sinful and living in this ruined world- and God was angry- His creation was ungrateful and ignored their Creator- they abandoned their God in favor of all the material things in the world. And so God destroyed this creation. He sent rains to flood the world, saving two of each animal along with Noah and his family. After the rains and storms finally subsided, God painted a rainbow across the sky- a symbol of his promise. God promised that he would never again turn his back on His creation; He would not abandon His creation under any circumstances. He would love His creation despite their sins, not hate them for their sins. He promised to be an ever-present, all-loving protector for His creation.
Seeing that perfect, vivid, beautiful rainbow reminded me that God’s here. God’s in Nicaragua, and God’s in me. It’s not fair that people have to live the way they are here. But God hasn’t forgotten them, and he isn’t punishing them. He’s carrying them through these circumstances, and He will accomplish great things for them and through them. Just like he’ll accomplish great things through me. I feel insignificant- and that’s because truth be told, I am insignificant. I might not accomplish much of anything for this pharmacy (I mean I hope I can, but I might not)- and I can’t save all of Nicaragua- I’m no miracle worker. But He is. He has a plan, and He works all things together for good, which means it’s no accident nor is it a mistake that I’m here. And it is so wonderful that I can know that.
Until next time,
Rachel
No comments:
Post a Comment